I Din’t Think It Was So Bad

I started smoking weed in college. Pretty normal for the people I was around. It wasn’t something I thought much about. We’d smoke with friends, listen to music, go for a walk, whatever.

Then I started trying other things when I was hanging out with people. At first it was more of a social thing. Somebody would have something in a little plastic baggie, we’d all pass it around and try it, and that was it.

At least that’s what I told myself.

After college, partying started becoming a  bigger part of my life. I was going out on weekends and using different things depending on who I was with. I didn’t really think of myself as someone with a drug problem. I had a job, I paid my rent and bills on time, I was in my 20s. I figured this was just what people my age did. 

But eventually I stopped being able to say no. I remember in college everyone was so relaxed about the amount of drinking that went on, saying “you’re not an alcoholic til you graduate.”

I’d tell myself I wasn’t going to do anything that night, and then someone would offer me something and I’d go along with it. Or I’d go out planning to have a couple drinks and somehow end up staying out until the morning. Then I’d have to go to work.

I’d exist there exhausted, trying to act normal, wondering if anybody could tell. Sometimes I’d feel completely awful, I couldn’t concentrate, I’d be anxious and paranoid and just waiting for the day to be over.

The money was another thing.

I started realizing how much I was actually spending. It was embarrassing. I could look at my bank account and know exactly where a lot of the money had gone, but I kept doing it anyway.

I also started worrying about what I was doing to myself. I’d get these thoughts that maybe I’d messed something up permanently, or that something was wrong with me physically. I’d tell myself I needed to stop, then I’d feel better for a few days and convince myself it wasn’t really that serious.

Then I’d do it again.

The hardest part was realizing that I wasn’t really having fun anymore.

I was doing it because I didn’t want to be the person who said no. I didn’t want my friends to think I was boring. And honestly, I didn’t know how to go out and be around people without using anymore.

Eventually I knew I had to step away from it.

I’m still figuring things out, I’m still young, and sometimes I think about how much time I spent worrying about getting through the next weekend instead of actually enjoying my life.

— Emily